Why yours is a funeral i fly to from anywhere

Patrick draws closer, slowly making his way down the aisle for the last time, like a twelve-legged caterpillar in his Sunday shoes. Trip the caterpillar for the craic! I am in as much disbelief as everyone else in the church when the Low Fella sticks the left foot out and trips the first GAA fella on the left carrying the coffin. The coffin bounces off the back of the pew in front of me and falls back into the aisle. Shrieks and cries and screams ring out and echo through the church now like hysterical prayer.

I saw him! Everyone looks at me in complete amazement. I get up and try to encourage the lads to help me put Patrick back in his coffin but the football lads all ward me away with thick welty hands on long arms connected to fair shoulders.

I turn around, having finally managed to stop smirking. A few there slobbering at the thought of giving me a justified hammering.

Young Willy Boland near the back has a big grin on him. I hope to God no one saw me crying on top of everything else. I choose the third option. I stand in the car park making funny noises at the back of my throat and wiping my eyes until the procession have gotten them- selves back together and are coming out of the church.

The sun is glaring and the wind is up, just my luck. May Patrick Cleere go to Heaven. Please God, may Patrick Cleere go to Heaven. Volkswagen Golf GTI, sporty little motor.

I love seeing her drive through town in that car. No sooner does her sister get her sat into her car than she pops back out and comes marching over.

I crawl to her high-heeled feet like Mary Magdalene, and she grabs a firm hold of me under my sodden, pathetic chin. But you do not have me. You never, ever will. Please do not come to the salon again.

I try pushing my way through the legs of all the blocking throng to follow her black suede stilettos, but a teenage-Patrick-lookalike pallbearer jumps at his chance. He grabs hold of me by the scruff of the collar. He gets me by my tie knot and is doing that thing where a lad tries to choke you to death with your own tie. And now the GAA lads have Patrick put into the hearse and three of them are coming for me. And I feel the contact but not the pain of the massive thud on the back right of my head as I hit the cold gravelly ground.

There must be a load of blood. Their eyes are bulging and their talk is drifting in and out of my ears. Is that right, God? The lads have me upright now and are dragging me towards one of their cars — an Audi A3 hatchback, nice motor, one of them hybrids that uses hardly any petrol — so I flop out of their rough grip onto the ground and fake a seizure.

I mean … Forecast is pretty grim. Outlook not very bright, really. Becoming the town pariah or, worse, the town joke. And even worse than that, seeing her driving through town or walking little doggy Daisy in those tight jogging pants that highlight how impressively back in shape she got after having three children, and her walking on with the head down and having no wave or smile for me? Or a loony bin. No, thank you. Churchyard fix, please. The second time I go down I go down for the seizure, and this time I feel the full contact and the full pain.

Below are some of the most frequently asked questions we get asked at Simplicity Funerals:. Simplicity Funerals is here to help with practical, compassionate and affordable guidance every step of the way, so feel free to reach out to one of our funeral directors with any questions you may have.

Where can you spread ashes? Below are some of the most frequently asked questions we get asked at Simplicity Funerals: Can human ashes be mailed? Where can I scatter ashes?

And driving down the road I get a feeling that I should have been home yesterday, yesterday. Take me home now, country roads, Take me home now, country roads. I am sailing, stormy waters, to be near you, to be free. I am flying, passing high clouds, to be with you, to be free. I am dying, forever trying, to be with you, who can say. We are sailing stormy waters, to be near you, to be free. Oh Lord, to be near you, to be free. Oh Lord, to be near you, to be free, Oh Lord.

Well, the moon is broken and the sky is cracked Come on up to the house The only things that you can see is all that you lack Come on up to the house. Gotta come on up to the house You gotta come on up to the house Yeah yeah yeah. And in the naked light I saw Ten thousand people, maybe more People talking without speaking People hearing without listening People writing songs that voices never share And no one dared Disturb the sound of silence.

Swing low, sweet chariot Coming for to carry me home, Swing low, sweet chariot, Coming for to carry me home. I looked over Jordan, and what did I see Coming for to carry me home? A band of angels coming after me, Coming for to carry me home. Coming for to carry me home. The brightest day that I can say, Coming for to carry me home When Jesus washed my sins away.

I know your life On earth was troubled And only you could know the pain. Go rest high on that mountain Son, your work on earth is done. Oh, how we cried the day you left us We gathered round your grave to grieve. I wish I could see the angels faces When they hear your sweet voice sing. Keep a fire for the human race Let your prayers go drifting into space You never know what will be coming down Perhaps a better world is drawing near And just as easily it could all disappear Along with whatever meaning you might have found.

If not himself, then he has naught To say the things he truly feels And not the words of one who kneels The record shows I took the blows And did it my way The record shows I took the blows And did it my way.

En waar die son jou buitelyne laat ophou sal ek begin Wat jy gee sal ek neem, want ek en jy is een Jou skaduwee. Maar die donker van die onbekende nagte, dit maak my bang Mag ek jou skuiling leen, want ek en jy is een Jou skaduwee.

Waar ek is kry ons nie koud nie, al is dit winter hier by jou En dinge wat op aarde vergaan het, is dinge wat vir altyd hou Hoe dit gebeur het maak nie saak nie, dis verby en als is reg En tussen ons is als vergewe, want die sondaar is nou weg.

Did I disappoint you or let you down? Should I be feeling guilty or let the judges frown? You touched my heart you touched my soul You changed my life and all my goals And love is blind and that I knew when My heart was blinded by you. Goodbye my lover Goodbye my friend You have been the one You have been the one for me.

Well it goes like this: The fourth, the fifth, the minor fall and the major lift The baffled king composing Hallelujah. Well your faith was strong but you needed proof You saw her bathing on the roof Her beauty and the moonlight overthrew ya She tied you to her kitchen chair And she broke your throne and she cut your hair And from your lips she drew the Hallelujah.

This used to be my playground This used to be my childhood dream This used to be the place I ran to Whenever I was in need Of a friend Why did it have to end And why do they always say. This used to be my playground used to be This used to be my childhood dream This used to be the place I ran to Whenever I was in need Of a friend Why did it have to end And why do they always say. This used to be my playground used to be This used to be our pride and joy This used to be the place we ran to That no one in the world could dare destroy This used to be our playground used to be This used to be our childhood dream This used to be the place we ran to I wish you were standing here with me.

This used to be our playground used to be This used to be our childhood dream This used to be the place we ran to The best things in life are always free Wishing you were here with me. Passing dreams In the night It was more than just a woman and a man It was love Without disguise And now my life will never be the same again. And I will always love you I will always love you I will always love you I will always love you I will always love you I, I will always love you.

Or has time re-written every line? If we had the chance to do it all again Tell me, would we? Could we? I walk along the city streets you used to walk along with me And every step I take reminds me of just how we used to be Well, how can I forget you, girl? When there is always something there to remind me Always something there to remind me. Stop all the clocks, cut off the telephone, Prevent the dog from barking with a juicy bone, Silence the pianos and with muffled drum.

Let aeroplanes circle moaning overhead Scribbling on the sky the message He Is Dead, Put crepe bows round the white necks of the public doves, Let the traffic policemen wear black cotton gloves. You are my North, my South, my East and West, My working week and my Sunday rest, My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song; I thought love would last for ever: I was wrong.

The stars are not wanted now: put out every one; Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun; Pour away the ocean and sweep up the wood. For nothing now can ever come to any good. God has seen her heart God has seen her heart And he takes her in his arms Now she is a part,now she is a part of the Holy of Holies home.

And open up her heart, open up her heart As he takes her in His arms. Come sit by my side. When God talks to you You listen my child. He wants you to hear him To be forever near him. Go my child Find your place The world will give you nothing Only you will give you pain. Live your life with pace Take it day by day Give it what you can Make it what you may Brave it through the pain. Give yourself a break Find yourself a place Take it day by day Do not hesitate to create.

Can you close your eyes? Waltz right back in time When you were undefined Young again. Racing through the trees Your brother in the lead A little scared You call out Wait for me. The wishing tree, brother Who will we be? Can you taste the air?

Of longing and despair Whisper some haunted dreams, an enchanted place You climb on to a bough Where many more had sat And you wish you could be a wishing tree And never leave. A whispered word, between the lines.

It was you Of all the stars, a million lights. It was you You. It was you. Of all the stars, a million lights. Say you will, say you might. Through the rise and fall, Through the urban sprawl, You can have my sight, Then we can see it all. Where everything you are, Is everything you know. And when the stars come out, We can watch them fall. From the towers of glass, To the lakes and trees. When you know who you are, You will be on your knees.

Be the anchor, be the tiller, be the router, be the drifter. Be the bridge, be the skipper, connecting shore to shore. Be the willing sailor waiting on, The whisper of the wind to come along. Be the mast to test the weather, be the hand that holds the tether, Be the eyes that find the treasure buried deep under the sea. Be the willing sailor waiting on, The wind to take you where you heart belongs. Sailing on.

To where the darkness meets the day Sailing on. A journey only you can take. Like the stars that shine above the endless sea, Lead you to your dreams.

Be the guiding compass needle, keep a steady, even keel. Be the willing sailor floating on, The river to the ocean and beyond. Cast your lines and set your course. Heading to an unknown shore. Like the stars that shine above the endless sea. Lead you to your dreams. Tides will turn and turn again, Storms may bring you to your knees. See the wake roll out behind you, Doubt or fear can never bind you. Be the willing sailor floating on The river to the ocean and beyond.

With the wind to take you where your heart belongs. To your dreams, oh your dreams. Be the bridge, be the skipper. I miss you already But I want you to go where you please And live just like a lion Free of all fear, Free of all fear. Trained to grind gears of time And your torch has slowly depleted. Are you calling through the weeds of pain Is that the world you still believe in?

Then take a stand and boil your veins Your soul has been taken so go retrieve it. When life throws you out to sea And you believe that drowning is guaranteed Remember to look at what you have And sail the grateful way.

Can you find forgiveness in the stress? Are you alive and truly believe it? Then lift yourself up through the thankfulness and give back to those who need it. Run river run while you can. You in this light I give up my fight In the deepest of the night I give up my fight.

I wanted to say That though time gets in the way I want you to stay I want to stay. And I will light a candle for you To shatter all the darkness and bless the times we knew Like a beacon in the night The flame will burn bright and guide us on our way. Do you hear me sing the songs we used to sing? You filled my life with wonder, touched me with surprise Always saw that something special deep within your eyes And through the good times and the bad We carried on with pride.

And I will light a candle for you To shatter the darkness and bless the times we knew Like a beacon in the night The flame will burn bright and guide us on our way Oh, today I light a candle for you. Like a comet blazing across the evening sky, Gone too soon. Like a rainbow fading in the twinkling of an eye, Gone too soon. If you do not need to travel urgently or within 6 weeks then you can apply here.

Stolen passports should also be reported to the police. You can report a stolen passport by telephoning in the UK. Stolen passports abroad should also be reported to the local police and ask for a written police report. You may need to provide this to the British Embassy when applying for a new passport or to your travel insurer if you wish to claim for the expense involved in changing your travel plans.

It takes an average of three weeks to get your passport using this standard service, but it can take six weeks or longer during the peak summer months, so give yourself plenty of time before you plan to travel. There are a couple of exceptions, but only in extreme circumstances such as a medical emergency or if you have suffered a bereavement.

If you lose your passport before your trip or even while you're away, your travel insurance policy provider may be able to help you with some of your costs.